Pericles thinks I’m milking this. Which I am. Because it’s hilarious. Which brings us to Dennis Perrin’s “Savior of the Men’s Room,” a rather inspiring - or something - tale of “Straight Man” Tucker Carlson’s bathroom heroics:

STRAIGHT MAN: Say there, fellas! Why the waterworks?

BOY 1: There’s a weird guy in there, Straight Man! He looked at me funny.

BOY 2: He offered us mints!

SM: Mints?! In a men’s room?! Stand back, boys — I got this covered.

Straight Man enters the bathroom and immediately spots Leather Chap, a devious homosexual who wears nothing but black leather and sports a thick, handlebar moustache.

LEATHER CHAP: Be still, my fragile heart! Are you my caped crusader?

SM: The only crusade you’ll see is a crusade of hetero-justice!

As Wolcott notes, “If Arthur Miller were alive, he might writes scenes like this, though I kind of doubt it.”